Have you ever had one of those years that brought really good highs and reaaaaally bad lows? It happens. It sucks. That was me back in 2017. Outwardly it seemed like I was doing 100% – I was going to the gym 3x a week and I looked great! At least I liked the way I looked when I saw myself in the mirror. My skin was clear, I was managing my diet, business was picking up. Aside from my work for CGC, I was getting freelance commissions left and right. I was catching up with really old friends and it felt like healing.
But what I hid from everyone – who I was when no one was watching – was the part of me that cried almost every night. I was recovering from horrible girl drama and I felt like I had just lost a bunch of friends. It made me feel insecure and, honestly, really scared of people. I was also going through grief. One of the toughest. My Lolo (grandfather) was in and out of the hospital – the cancer wasn’t looking good. He was weak and family started flying in to be with him. I spent a lot of time accompanying him on doctor’s visits, taking him out to lunch on days he felt stronger, sometimes just spending time with him in silence. There were some nights I even slept in the hospital to keep him and my Lola (grandmother) company. It was tough. I grew up around them. My dad died when I was 11 and my Lolo took up the mantle of being the man in my life. We were close. My heart constantly felt like it was breaking but I didn’t wanna show anyone because it felt weak and I didn’t wanna be vulnerable like that.
So anyway I needed something to hide it. I started researching on eye cream. Was there anything that made the puffiness go away instantly? Please, just anything. I didn’t need people I met with to think anything of my puffy eyes. I didn’t want my family to see me breaking down like that. I didn’t need my friends to know how sad I was, I didn’t know who it was safe to be vulnerable with.
I started using eye cream. I used it religiously every night. I even bought a day one! I used that on days when my eyes were really bad. I wasn’t sure if it was working or not – I sort of have a theory that eye cream is just a placebo to make you feel like you’re doing something to stop ageing. A brilliant but sad ploy. The thing is, it made me feel good. It made me feel like I was doing something for myself, to heal my grief. I actually still use it everyday – “just in case.” I don’t cry every night anymore but I figured there’s no harm.
It’s been nearly two years and I’m in a better place. I’ve healed from the loss, cried it out. Worked it out. There’s been a lot of personal growth and I’m really happy about that! My career is a whole other story (you’ll know if you follow me on Instagram and watch my Stories), but it took a lot of letting go to be able to be where I am today. I don’t regret it. Taking time off is a different form of healing, but it’s totally necessary.
So the eye cream. I wish I could tell you I’m 100% positive it worked. I wish I could tell you it wiped the sadness from my eyes, that it was my miracle drug, that using it made me happier instantly. Look, this isn’t a dig at eye cream. Maybe it really is effective for puffiness and dark circles. But I realize now while I thought I was looking for the best eye cream out there, I was actually searching for some way to heal the heartache. That’s when I came up with this illustration.
I’m not a chemist or scientist, CGC isn’t a cosmetic brand. I wish this was a real product, that there was some sort of lotion or potion out there made to heal your heart. As you probably know, it’s not that easy or that simple. Bu if you see this and you’re going through something similar, I want you to know you’re not alone. People throw that around a lot these days and we’re not always here to hear it, but it’s true. Here’s my wish for you: that you find something that heals you. It doesn’t have to be something that changes you overnight… it can be a million amazing little things along the road to becoming whole again. <3